Recommendations of the Week: June 4-10

Book

I was supposed to read Wanderlust for my first year seminar, but it ended up being one of the first school assignments I did not fully complete. Three years later, my next creative writing teacher recommended A Field Guide to Getting Lost to all of us new graduates. I read it, my first Rebecca Solnit book, at the end of March this year. I immediately wanted to read everything Solnit had ever written, and shipped The Faraway Nearby home so my mother could bring it with her to France. I’m 50 pages from the end now and, like all her books, it’s a wondrous journey across many geographies, stories, and histories.

“Fairy tales are children’s stories not in who they were made for but in their focus on the early stages of life, when others have power over you and you have power over no one.

In them, power is rarely the right tool for survival anyway. Rather the powerless thrive on alliances, often in the form of reciprocated acts of kindness – from beehives that were not raided, birds that were not killed but set free or fed, old women who were saluted with respect. Kindness sewn among the meek is harvested in crisis.”

From the internet

The LSE Impact Blog shared a fun way to spread academic learnings to a wider audience: comics!

“By turning research into an illustrated abstract it’s possible to make academic work more accessible to a non-technical audience and people outside of the discipline. Alpa and Karen have even been approached by an author who would like to include the image in a forthcoming anthropology textbook, while Alpa hopes the article will also reach students, other academics and even non-academics, to explain the value of anthropology and long-term participant observation.”

Podcast

My mother and I listened to “Episode 77: Kalevala (with Elena Varg)” from Spirits on the train to Versailles. The Finnish epic is bonkers, featuring birds nesting on the limbs of goddesses, the Devil’s own personal petting zoo, badass mothers, and a river of death. Elena Varg’s accent is wonderful and her excitement for the story makes this one of my favorite Spirits episodes ever.

Kinda creepy, kinda cool

“Food”

Haribos Sour Rainbow Strips are one of a variety of rainbow-colored, sour/sugar-coated gummy candies, nearly all of which I love. While other brands can be too licorice-flavored, gummy, sweet, or unwieldly, Haribos’ colors can easily be stripped apart and each belt of tart candy is mouthwatering. Unfortunately unavailable in Nairobi. I should have brought more than one bag back from France, since I’ve already devoured the one I did bring.

A knock-off version of my new favorite sour gummies

Watch Them Again

You can really see the drawings behind the animation in the original Lion King movie. Rafiki is more bonkers than I remembered, and Nala a more beautiful lioness.

Also watched some Modern Family in the evenings with my mother on our vacation. Like most family drama/comedy shows I love (see also Reba), everyone makes mistakes and is flawed but they choose to do the right thing in the end. Heartwarming and cozy, with lots of silly in between.

I hadn’t seen the more recent seasons where the kids are older.

On a rock wall. Afraid of heights.

Two weeks ago, I had my first opportunity to climb outdoors. My friends were going to Hell’s Gate – the national park two hours outside Nairobi that inspired much of the Lion King film.

I have been afraid of heights my whole life. That fear is one of the main reasons I’ve never gone rock climbing outdoors. In a rock climbing gym, the controlled environment feels like a pretty safe space to dangle from a rope two to three stories up. But when I get near the edge of a cliff, I feel like I suddenly have to fight the urge to leap into the void.

This really freaked me out when I was younger, even though the fear was tinged with a sense of exhilaration, too.

Aside: Recently (read: five minutes ago), I learned this urge is called the “high place phenomenon.” In one study on the feeling, researchers found the desire to jump wasn’t correlated with suicidal thoughts and was instead correlated with “anxiety sensitivity.” Anxiety sensitivity is essentially how anxious being anxious makes you – specifically how reactive you are to the physical sensations of your body telling you it’s in danger (like the quaking in your knees as you look over a cliff).

It was one of the most beautiful days I have ever experienced. It had been rainy all week (we’re just wrapping up the rainy season in Kenya), but the day we were climbing was all sunshine and scudding clouds.

We hired a climbing guide to set up two top ropes so that we could belay ourselves after that. We had one easier climb and one harder one. Later, another climber showed up and set up another climb and we moved the easier rope to another wall. I was able to try all four and got to the top of three. The fourth had an overhang and was the last one I attempted. I got my arms onto the overhang but couldn’t haul myself over the top that late in the day.

Nervous? Who, me?
My friend Maddy documented my first climb of the day
I learned some actual climbing technique on the many cracks in the wall. Improving over the day felt like the biggest win.

I was pretty freaked out by the view and the drop off at the top of this one, but after the first descent I got comfy sitting on the rope and hanging out at the top of the other climbs.
Also got to learn how to belay with a gri-gri.
It was Maddy’s first time climbing outside, too.

After we “cleaned” the routes (removed the equipment we had used for top-roping), we drove through the rest of the park to reach some sulphur hot springs on the opposite side. The whole landscape was wide open and gorgeous.

At one point a giraffe just started running alongside our car. It was magical.

10/10 experience and made me really want to climb more!

Elephant Hill

Two weekends ago, I went on one of the most beautiful hikes I’ve ever been on – Elephant Hills in the Aberdares.

The optimistic first minutes

Unfortunately, the hike was 3 hours longer than advertised, we ran out of water, we had to hike in the dark (with hyenas??), and I got altitude sickness and threw up. Otherwise, best hike ever.

The second fall and we weren’t even in the woods yet

“The Aberdares? In the rainy season? Are you crazy?!” – My boss when she heard about our trip at work the next day

Lots of recovering from falls

Mikala found a group hiking Elephant Hills – a hike we’d all heard was crazy beautiful – and invited Brooke and me. I added Nick and Alice from work to the hiking crew. Women Who Hike Kenya organized the buses, park fees, park rangers, and “personal photographer” (which is why I have so many pics from the hike – I didn’t get my phone out to take any pics until we reached the peak).

Unfortunately, the personal photographer took pictures of everything, including my return from peeing in the bushes

The best section going up and down was the bamboo forest we passed through. On the way up, we thought this was the middle third of the hike up – it was more like one of the middle tenths of the climb.

We started out by criss-crossing a muddy road, then followed the road through potato farms, through a pine forest, through an electric fence to keep the game out, through more trees, and along another open grassy section before reaching the bamboo part. On the way down, these pre-bamboo sections all merged into one quick burst in our minds… instead, it kept going and going and going. The bamboo section was just a vertical shoot up a mud slide between gorgeous bamboo shoots – lots more falling.

This pic captures the beauty, but not the steepness

After the long bamboo section, we took a quick break on a grassy knoll. A bunch of us thought it was the elephant’s head, so we ate all our lunch. But then on we went.

Me finding out this isn’t the top as the peak in the background emerged from the clouds

The next section was just a muddy stream of squelching mud sprinkled with safari ants (vicious biters, but I thankfully wasn’t bit). We also thought this was the last section…

Valiantly attempting to keep up the pep as the altitude starts hitting us

…until we arrived at another grassy section leading us up into the clouds.

“Really?”

After that, I started feeling really sick and decided I had to just power through to the peak. The clouds faked us out at least 5 or 6 times before I finally made it. As soon as I reached the top, the clouds parted and we were treated to incredible 360 views. I was too busy dying of altitude sickness to notice at first. I recovered a bit and ate some of my leftover “I’m not going to Liberia for two months!”chocolate cake from Java.

I was desperate to get down from altitude (about 12,500 ft at the peak, up nearly 3000 ft from the trailhead), so I tried to keep up with Alice and Nick. They hadn’t been feeling the altitude sickness like Brooke, Mikala, and me. Pretty quickly, though, I had to stop and almost started crying my head hurt so much. I let the rest of the summiters pass me by until Brooke and Mikala reached me and rallied my spirits.

Still, Mikala and I were hit pretty hard and it was slow going. Meanwhile, Brooke was calculating how long it would take to get down, comparing that timeline to when it would get dark, and debating whether it was better to push us to go faster when we were feeling so crappy or to be in a national park with wild animals after dark. Actually, at that point, we were more worried about being in that dense, slippery bamboo in the dark.

My head was pounding, I felt hopeless but knew I had to keep going, and my legs were quaking. I’ve never seen my legs shake as hard as they did each time I paused to take a sip of water or breath more deeply. I’d been sitting on the idea that I needed to throw up for about 15 minutes when I finally sped up a bit, turned off the trail and puked. After that, I felt AWESOME. My legs were still shaking, but now my head wasn’t pounding.

We made it to the first grassy knoll where we’d eaten lunch. Happily, another group of friends on the hike had over-prepared with extra gatorades and lent us some. We refueled and then plunged back into the bamboo forest.

Just leave me here to die

We had some great jungle-woman moments slipping and sliding down the increasingly dimly lit bamboo section. The bamboo  on the edge of the path were key; we swung between them rather than trust our weight on the muddy slope.

By the time we made it to the end of the bamboo, we were euphoric and wanted to power through the final spurt. But by the time we hit the pine tree forest again, it was already dark. At that point, one of the more experienced hikers who had done Elephant Hills seven or eight times before started getting antsy. He kept hiking super fast but also yelling at the few stragglers to stay with the group and warning everyone about hyenas.

At that point, though, I was actually in a great mood. I had a stick to wave menacingly at the dark edges of the path, I wasn’t at a crazy altitude anymore, and I knew where we were and how to get back.

In all, we hiked 12 miles, straight up and straight down through deep mud. No switchbacks in the Aberdares, apparently! I was out on the trail from 9 am to 7 pm.

10/10 would do again… but maybe only through the bamboo section. And probably not in the rainy season!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2018 Book Challenge

A snapshot of my current “unread” shelf

I wanted to read more in 2018. I also wanted to read some classic lit that my education has neglected to this point.

So I decided to read 52 books in 2018. I’m at 12, including a few books from 2017 I snuck in there since I read them after deciding to do the challenge.

Read:

Week Title Author Date Started Date Finished
Dec 31 Lolita Vladimir Nabokov Oct. 15, 2017 Dec. 13, 2017
Jan 7 American Gods Neil Gaiman Nov. 16, 2017 Nov. 19, 2017
Jan 14 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Mark Haddon Nov. 23, 2017 Nov. 25, 2017
Jan 21 Jane Eyre Charlotte Bronte Dec. 17, 2017 Dec. 20, 2017
Jan 28 Woman at Point Zero Nawal El Saadawi Dec. 21, 2017 Dec. 22, 2017
Feb 4 Doing Good Better William MacAskill Jan. 28, 2018 Feb. 10, 2018
Feb 11 Turtles All the Way Down John Green Feb. 1, 2018 Feb. 1, 2018
Feb 18 The Fifth Season N. K. Jemisin Feb. 2, 2018 Feb. 3, 2018
Feb 25 La Belle Sauvage Philip Pullman Feb. 9, 2018 Feb. 9, 2018
Mar 4 Red Queen Victoria Aveyard March 16, 2018 March 17, 2018
Mar 11 A Field Guide to Getting Lost Rebecca Solnit March 29, 2018 April 3, 2018
Mar 18 Daring Greatly Brene Brown April 4, 2018 April 14, 2018

To read:

Mar 25 The Power Naomi Alderman
Apr 1 The Unbearable Lightness of Being MIlan Kundera April 16, 2018
Apr 8 The Girls (?) Emma Cline April 7, 2018
Apr 15 Poor Economics
Esther Duflo & Abhijit Banerjee
 (years ago)
Apr 22 Thinking, Fast and Slow Daniel Kahneman Feb. 18, 2018
Apr 29 Her Body and Other Parties Carmen Maria Machado
May 6 The Faraway Nearby Rebecca Solnit
May 13 Wanderlust Rebecca Solnit
May 20 1984 George Orwell
May 27 If On a Winter’s Night A Traveler Italo Calvino
Jun 3 A Room of One’s Own Virginia Woolf
Jun 10 Franny and Zooey J. D. Salinger
Jun 17 Capital in the Twenty-First Century Thomas Picketty
Jun 24 To the Lighthouse Virginia Woolf
Jul 1 The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Douglas Adams
Jul 8 Notorious RBG: The Life and Times of Ruth Bader Ginsburg Irin Carmon
Jul 15 The Core of the Sun Joanna Sinisalo
Jul 22 The Dead James Joyce
Jul 29 The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities Dossie Easton
Aug 5 Midnight’s Children Salman Rushdie
Aug 12 Catch-22 Joseph Heller
Aug 19 Anna Karenina Leo Tolstoy
Aug 26 Mountains Beyond Mountains Tracy Kidder
Sep 2 The Metamorphosis Kafka
Sep 9 Slaughterhouse Five Kurt Vonnegut
Sep 16 Song of Solomon Toni Morrison Dec. 20, 2017
Sep 23 Why Nations Fail Acemoglu & Robinson
Sep 30 Neverwhere Neil Gaiman
Oct 7 Lord of the Flies William Golding
Oct 14 Daughters of the North Sarah Hall
Oct 21 The Captain Class (?) Sam Walker
Oct 28 The Obelisk Gate N. K. Jemisin
Nov 4 The Stone Sky N. K. Jemisin
Nov 11 Binti Nnedi Okorafor
Nov 18 As Eve Said to the Serpent Rebecca Solnit
Nov 25 The Mother of All Questions Rebecca Solnit
Dec 2 Hope in the Dark Rebecca Solnit
Dec 9 The Challenge for Africa Wangari Maathai
Dec 16 A Paradise Built in Hell Rebecca Solnit
Dec 23 The Signature of All Things (?) Elizabeth Gilbert

 

Will most likely keep moving things around and taking books on and off the list, but it’s an outline.

Complicating (and improving) our narratives of sex

CW: sexual assault

Partners with different sex drives

This week, one of my favorite podcasts – AdultSh1t from Kate Peterman and Kelsey Darragh of Buzzfeed – answered a question from a listener whose sex drive is much higher than that of her long-time girlfriend. The listener said she felt bad and uncomfortable asking for more sex because she doesn’t want to feel “rape-y” or like she’s pressuring her girlfriend into doing sexual things she doesn’t want to do. But she’s not getting the sexual fulfillment she needs right now.

Kate and Kelsey advise even more communication, but also to make sure you’re getting what you need in the relationship. I would add a few things to what they shared:

  1. Start the conversation from a point of, “I love you and I want to figure this out together. We seem to need different things and I want to understand why you need what you need and explain why I need what I need.” It is super scary to start a conversation with a long-time partner that you know could lead to some really painful and possibly break-up-inducing discussions. Phrasing it like you’re tackling an issue together makes it seem less intimidating to get into it at a deeper level.
  2. Be careful to not attack her perspective/experience. I think this is especially challenging because there’s an assumption that everyone wants to have sex inherent in U.S. culture. Being sensitive to the fact that she might be ready to get defensive about that assumption (just like you could be sensitive about the assumption that having a higher sex drive is “sinful”) can help. Avoid approaching it like there’s a problem with her. It’s a problem between the two of you.
  3. Share that you don’t want to feel like you’re pressuring her, that you’re struggling to approach the issue, and that that’s a point of pain for you. Specifically share that it can make you feel unwanted, unsexy, and confused. Maybe this can lead to her sharing ways that you can introduce sexy times without it being pressuring, or what specific language y’all can use to discuss whether to get it on in the future. Also, ask her to tell you how these situations make her feel – is she uncomfortable? Annoyed? Sad? Frustrated? It might also be hard for her to know she’s not fulfilling all your sexual needs. My good friend Annaji introduced me to the powers of the “I” statement. If you keep it about how you feel, that acknowledges there’s room for misinterpretation and offers the other person space to clarify where they’re coming from, too.
  4. Once you’ve both been able to share how y’all are feeling about your sex life, then you can talk about next steps more freely and as a team. Maybe you can brainstorm some solutions or compromises. Maybe, even though it’s scary, you both will find you really do need a partner whose sex drive matches your own more closely. Even though it’s a tough decision to make after so many years together.

I was once in a relationship where I found out almost 2 years in that my partner was unhappy with how much sex we’d been having. He felt like we had sex too often. He told me that our intimacy cut into his time to do personal projects that were important for him to be fulfilled. This was partially because we would sleep over in each others’ dorm rooms a lot and go to bed early, cutting into hours he would have previously used to create.

It was really painful to hear that he felt pressure to have sex, even if he said that pressure wasn’t coming from me so much as from society. I still worry that he did feel pressure from me. Maybe, as I discuss below, he just couldn’t tell me he was uncomfortable.

We did break up shortly after this revelation, which came at a complicated time in our relationship for other reasons. I’m not sure how we would have dealt with our mismatched sex drives given more time. Thankfully, we still have a good relationship as friends. And I think that’s in large part due to the fact that we did have honest conversations about our sex life before the break-up.

Men’s experiences: the same, but different

This episode also deepened my thinking on the Beautiful / Anonymous episode I shared earlier this week, where a man called in to talk about how he was sexually assaulted three times in his life, twice by women. I had a moment at work today to discuss it with my colleague who recommended the episode. One of our big takeaways was that it was amazing how familiar the caller’s description of his doubt, shame, and struggle sounded.

Most women have heard female friends’ stories of sexual assault or experienced it themselves. Through most stories, there are common threads: feeling unable to react fast enough or strongly enough, doubting whether we truly couldn’t have done anything, wondering if the other person genuinely thought it was okay and just missed our signals, whether the signals we sent were strong enough. All of that self-doubt I have heard expressed by numerous women – it was a revelation to hear a man share the same doubts.

Anyone can have their bodily autonomy and safety violated. Even if you know that in your brain, hearing this man’s story makes it stick in your soul in a new way. I think all of us still carry with us ingrained messaging about men’s relationship to intimacy, sex, and violence. Those narratives lead us to make assumptions that can really hurt other people; this podcast invites us (women) to examine our part in perpetuating these assumptions about gender and sex.

It’s hard to think about, because it really complicates narratives that are easier to keep clean cut. Women are victims, men are violent, sex-driven animals. We (feminists) know it’s a gross simplification, but it’s still so tempting when the statistics are that most victims of sexual violence are women, and most perpetrators are men. That narrative can even be comforting/validating on some level for women who are violated in that way – you’re not alone, this happened to us too, we’re here for you, it’s not your fault.

While the male caller shared these same doubts and feelings of shame and guilt as so many women, the way he expressed the doubts was also telling. My colleague and I both marked that he was bewildered by those feelings and without a narrative to put them into that accounted for both his masculinity and his vulnerability.

My female friends and I, on the other hand, can see how our own experiences fit into the larger societal phenomenon of violence against women. Each of our experiences is intensely personal and can feel isolating. Yet when we’ve been able to talk to each other about those experiences, we can wryly see it as part of “womanhood” in our culture. A terrible yet shared burden. We all contribute a piece to the larger narrative. And, we can also share in the new narratives that are rising about self-care, how to survive & thrive after sexual violence, how to find sisterhood in this massive, horrifying phenomenon.

It is both to men’s privilege and to the caller’s disadvantage that he is not part of this narrative. This podcast called me to think about ways in which I perpetuate bad myths about gender, sex and violence, and ways in which I can bring non-female survivors of sexual assault into the sisterhood component of the narrative I hold.

 

Beautiful / Anonymous : “If they say no, they mean no”

CW: sexual assault

A colleague recommended I listen to this latest episode (April 23, 2018).

The man who calls had been molested by a male babysitter as a child, and then raped/sexually assaulted by two different women in the course of his high school years. It was an intense soundtrack to my first run in weeks. The caller is raw and open with his vulnerability.

It really helps you understand viscerally the broad spectrum of sexual experiences, traumas, and approaches people may have. The whole episode is a clear, loud call for more communication, more openness, and more thoughtfulness in our sexual lives.